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Would making a Minecraft cake in real life work?

First of all, I’m not talking about baking a cake, then decorating it to look like the Minecraft one. It’s pretty obvious you can do that. In fact, there are many tutorials online about that. However, what I am talking about is if it is actually possible to create a cake based on the ingredients shown in the crafting recipe. I’m pretty sure you know it, right? No? Hey, don’t look it up! We all know the truth >:( Anyway, I pasted it here, so you don’t need to open up a new tab.

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Pretty simple, right? Well…let’s take a look closer at the recipe. Already, it seems a bit outlandish. There’s no way you could stack things together and create a cake, and one that has icing no less. But lets assume all of these ingredients were used for all parts of the cake, including the icing. First you have the three buckets of milk. We’re only on the first part, and already we have a problem. It all comes down to how much a bucket holds. We can assume one gallon, because assuming that a bucket holds a square meter of milk is just too much.

Three gallons of milk. In a single cake. You could say that one gallon could go towards making the icing, and that could be true. After all, a simple glaze just needs some sugar and milk. But even then, you have two gallons of milk in your cake. Well maybe the other ingredients compensate for it. The important part of baking in real life is not the amount of ingredients, but the proportions. Typically, a good cake recipe would have flour and eggs for structure, and fat and sugar for moisture and softness. It will also need leavening, to let the cake rise. I will not go into all the details of cakes, even though I’m quite tempted to, but it’s easy to tell that this Minecraft cake is missing quite a few important ingredients and steps.

First of all, there is no fat. Cakes need some sort of oil or butter to make it taste good and provide texture. Again, I’m not going into the details because it’s a bit complicated. Since the cake is missing any kind of fat, it will not rise properly, and will be dense and a little flavorless.

On the topic of leaveners and dense cakes, this cake has no baking soda or baking powder. Yeah, forgot that? Without it, you can’t have a poofy(for lack of a better term) cake. Without a fat or baking powder, you’ll just have…brick cake. Fitting for Minecraft.

Then you have a SINGLE egg. One egg. Exactly. One. Egg. For three gallons of milk. I’m not even going to comment on this one.

Along with this one egg, you have two sugars(measurement unknown). Let’s say you use one sugar for the icing. Now you have one sugar left, and…it isn’t enough. For a good cake, you need 1 part sugar to 1 part flour(by weight). Annnnnd that brings us to the flour.

As in there is no flour. All you have is three wheat.

You know what? This cake was doomed to begin with. I think we all know that. At this point, I’m pretty sure this is how it goes:

You need to present a cake to the judges of the ultra competitive cooking show, MineChopped™(haha get it?) Your competitors are doing simple things, like sticking slabs of pork in a coal furnace, but you’ve decided to try something more interesting. You take out three gallons of lukewarm milk that had been sitting in the chest because there’s no fridge. You pour in all your milk into a bowl. I assume you use a bowl because it is impossible to bake a cake on a table. Then, you pour in two sugars, because you’re too lazy to measure it. It all dissolves into the three gallons of milk. You heard something about creaming butter and sugar together for flavor and texture somewhere, but you’re sure that you can just ignore that part.

You look in your chest, and find out that you only have one egg. You can’t stop now; you have only 10 minutes left to present to the judges. So you throw in the whole egg into the bowl. It just floats around a bit in the three gallons of mildly sweetened milk. OH NO! You have no baking powder. It doesn’t exist in Minecraft. You take a moment to reflect on why you are so intent on making this cake. Whatever. You go out to the farm and collect three wheats. Again, no real measurements. You don’t have a grain mill, so you just throw in all the wheat into the bowl. It floats around with the egg. Whoops! You don’t have time to bake the cake! Just serve it on its own.

Now to present it to the judges…

Who am I kidding? This cake is terrible. It might work in Minecraft, but in real life, it would fall flat. Literally.

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